I’m in the middle of a funk. Ever since we became a family of four, I’ve struggled between happiness, gratefulness, and wondering what the hell we’ve done and why I ever thought we could be parents.
We’ve adjusted to a family now. Big sister loves her baby brother, we’re handling having two kids fairly well. Big sister is mostly potty trained and we have lots of life changes happening but over all we are doing ok.
However, I’m still in a funk. We don’t have a big group of friends especially friends with kids. Life is so hectic and without family nearby we make it a priority to spend weekends and any moment we have as a family. We owe that to these kids. However, it doesn’t leave much time for me.
We’re in a temporary living space that makes it impossible to clean after the kids are asleep without waking them up. We will have baby #2 in our room until later this fall when we move so we still get up at night. I’ve become a coffee addict who feels extremely rested when I get six hours of sleep and that is rare.
I don’t know if any of this adds to it. I have so much to be thankful for but still in a funk. (My twitter is full of depressing tweets that scare me.) My marriage is not currently perfect, we’re fighting and he yells at the toddler too much. Her sass comes from him. I play referee between them pretty much all day. I juggle having two kids that both just want me. I try to spend what little solo time I get with my husband once or twice a month keeping him happy. I need this marriage to work as I am nothing without him or the kids.
Most days I just end up feeling like a failure.
I just keep praying I’ll get out of my funk. I’m so grateful and blessed I just need to get my attitude there. I don’t know why I’m still struggling but I often wonder why I ever thought I could do this.
But then there are moments like tonight where I put my phone down and just watched the baby breastfeed himself to sleep. I watch him play with my hair then his hair until he drifts off. I hear his breaths get deeper. He melts into me. This moment is perfect. This moment is joyful.
I know these moments will end before I know it (how can it already almost be a year?) and someday only be a memory but I’ll keep this moment of joy and cherish it for just a moment longer.
Then I have to go fight the toddler into bed, but just for a moment longer, I’m keeping my joy. Go away funk, there is so much to be grateful for.