Parenting two…

I’m not gonna lie – this is tougher than I thought it would be.  My first born daughter was really easy. She had the occasional tantrum but overall she was REALLY easy. There were trying moments, but we were well rested and happy.

Now there are two of them. Her brother is a REALLY easy baby. He self soothes himself most days since birth (I have no idea how – trying not to jinx us). He’s easy going and also knew day and night from the start. He’s very chill.  He took to breastfeeding easily. He’s been a dream.

She’s been tantruming which is totally acceptable and normal as this was a huge change to her world. She loves him. She tries to help so much with him. She cares for him and he saves most of his smiles for her. It’s REALLY cute watching them together.

However, things are tough at moments. I’m overtired. I don’t handle being exhausted well. I knew this with her now with having two kids I don’t get the extra rest. Also with kid number two – no one helps. Seriously, I have never felt so alone this maternity leave and journey into motherhood of two.  Where did everyone go?

So as I sit here trying to deal with my hormones and adjusting to mom of two, there have been some really low moments. I’ve been struggling. I feel like I’m not good enough for them. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I feel like they deserve so much better. I worry that he’s going to have issues as he sits in the rock n play so much when she’s around. I can’t just jump to his cries if I’m helping her use the bathroom (as she decided she wanted to start potty training).  Will letting him cry hurt him? I don’t want her to resent him or hate him. I need to tell her no at times though to feed him.  It’s a struggle and at times I feel like I’m drowning. At other times, everything is okay.

being-a-mother-is-hard

It’s a daily change and sometimes the sweet moments between them make everything worth it.

Advertisements
Posted in motherhood | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Birth Story 2.0

Now that little dude is over two months old and currently napping in his crib, I have a moment to write his birth story.

This pregnancy was an eventful one. I had my subchoronic hematoma which resolved by 15 weeks following some heavier bleeding. I made three trips to labor and delivery to get NST tests due to contractions or bleeding after it resolved.  The third time – I stayed.  My contractions had been every six minutes on June 19th.  I called my amazing husband and we decided I should go get checked since my last delivery was so fast.  We threw the stuff in the car, but I totally expected to be home later that day.

We got checked and the contractions weren’t causing any progress – just registering but not close enough to be kept.  We were told we were going home. The next minute after being told we were going home the on-call Doctor stuck her head in and asked if we had an induction scheduled due to my high blood pressure.  No? Not at all. She asked if we’d be open to one for the health of our baby and myself to which we said yes.  So wait – are we not going home?

Turns out we didn’t go home. I talked to my doctor and she told me I should have a fast induction. I was already at 4 cm upon arrival and my first labor was so fast – he should be here today. Since I was over 38 weeks and he seemed healthy, she wanted to induce to insure I didn’t develop preclampsia.  We agreed and around 6 p.m. I got hooked up to picotin after three IV attempts and one finally being in. (What  is up with nurses not believing me that I have difficult veins? First time missed (while using the vein finder), second time got it in but her phone fell out of her pocket and knocked it out causing an exorcist scene with blood shooting up out of my arm and everywhere. Third time, they missed again while using the vein finder. Forth time – finally got it in and taped it down a ton.)

Picotin contractions are awful.  They checked me a few hours after slowly upping medicine and I was at 5 cm. Very slow progress. They told me to get comfy and watch a few movies. Why yes, I will get comfortable with these awful medicine induced contractions. We watched the Bachelorette and Inside Out. Husband had dinner and coordinated our little one’s pickup from daycare with her amazing Aunt.  Checked me again – still no progress.  Around 2 a.m. they upped the medicine the max they normally do and I was in a LOT of pain.  I finally decided to try an epidural as I was not making any progress and getting depressed.  My epidural during my first birth didn’t work.  Thankfully – this one did. Only issue is when they tested the medicine they hit a blood vessel and it felt like I was going to pass out and I wasn’t able to breath. Talk about a horrible feeling.

Once the epidural kicked in and worked, they upped my medicine every 45 minutes.  Still no progress – I was stuck. Around 8:30 a.m. my doctor came to see me and apologized that I’ve had an awful night. She really expected baby to be here by now.  My main goal was avoiding a c-section and I asked how long I could go, what risks we had, etc and agreed to have her break my water.  She told me most second time mom’s have a baby within an hour of the water being broken.  They propped me up into the sitting position with a peanut under my legs to help him move down.  She went off to deliver a few more babies.

The nurse checked me once and I was at around 8 cm – finally some slow progress.  My epidural was starting to wear off so they helped me position and try to get some more meds in me as time was getting close. My doctor came in to check as I was having a contraction and felt us get to 10 cm. She then quickly started throwing up her delivery wear while calling for a nurse to come assist. Baby was coming quickly!

At 9:31 a.m. – our little dude arrived. It was about three pushes and very easy after you get over the long induction.  Right before my final push, I felt him kick me one last time on the inside (totally creepy yet cool) as he did NOT want to come out.  He had a bit of trouble with his body temperature and needed to be suctioned so he could breath better so our first hour together was a bit disruptive. They kept taking him off my chest to monitor him and warm him.  As a second time mom, I knew this wasn’t normal and kept asking what was wrong. They kept telling me he was fine. My amazing husband kept an eye on him and watched what they were doing as they weren’t’ telling me anything.   He was finally at a level they were comfortable with and he got left on me only to not latch. He instead stared at everyone in the room.

Our little dude waited until everyone left as it was a busy morning in labor and delivery and then latched on for the next 45 minutes.  That pretty much sums up his life – he LOVES to eat.

We’re so happy he’s here and healthy. And I now have complete respect for anyone who has ever been induced – I think it’s more horrible than normal labor. Would I do it again? Absolutely for the health of me and my baby. However – it sucks. At least I get one amazing little guy out of it.

We’re adjusting to having two kids – a toddler and a baby. We have our ups and downs, but it is starting to settle down and I’m hopeful that we can actually do this.

 

Posted in Hope, Medical, motherhood | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Two.

Two. It’s a very simple number, yet for me it has so many meanings. It is:

  • The number of times I thought I was miscarrying (one I did, the second pregnancy is still holding on)
  • The number of children I will soon have
  • The approximate number of weeks away we are from meeting our little dude
  • the age that our daughter will soon be

I can’t believe it. It’s been two years. When I started this blog, I did it to heal and to try and help me make sense of pregnancy loss.  It helped a lot. I’m not the best at keeping up with it lately (or my other blog for that matter), but please know that it’s still on my mind. I still pray for those suffering loss. I still remember what it was like. Two is the number of living children I will soon (fingers crossed) have as I feel little dude kick away in my stomach.

In a lot of ways, my first miscarriage helped shape me. It helped me be more appreciative and more grateful. I never try to take any day for granted with my family as you never know how long you have. I pray we have 100 years together. My miscarriage made me be more appreciative for every moment with the sweet sweet girl that is the joy of our life.

It also made me appreciate this pregnancy more that it did not end in miscarriage. After my miscarriage three years ago now, I had an easy pregnancy. It really was. This one was turbulent.  I still remember crying hysterical grateful tears when they told me that I wasn’t miscarrying this time, it was just a subchorionic hemmatoma or sch. I am now almost 36 weeks pregnant with what appears to be a healthy baby boy.  I’ve had trips to labor and delivery for contractions and bleeding within the last few weeks and he still hangs on. He’s just a trouble maker, but my loss before made me so grateful for when things are right. It also made me more aware and not afraid to go get checked as having answers is so better than not knowing.

I’ve been told to keep it semi easy until Sunday to make sure little dude stays in until 37 weeks. It appears he’s following his sister’s path and will be here a few weeks early again.  I’m so unbelievably excited, scared, and nervous to meet him. Juggling two kids will be a challenge with minimal family support and the fact that I don’t like to ask for help – I just suffer through. We have some great friends that I’m hoping will help us when I’m struggling.

I didn’t start this blog with the intention of rambling about how grateful I am for my previous lessons learned from pregnancy issues. I meant to be blogging about my darling sweet two year old, so before I end this let’s do a bit about her.

What are her favorite foods? She will try almost everything. She loves condiments – especially ketchup, noodles, ice cream, yogurt, any kind of fruit (and I do mean any!). She had some steak and sushi recently again and she loved them both.

How many words does she say? Probably close to a thousand. She talks a TON. She’s constantly amazing us with words and short sentences. Her latest one is, “Coming Soon.” We think she picked it up from the movies she’s asked to watch. Best thing she says “I love you, Mommy” or “I love you, Daddy.”

Developmental wise? Right on track from the quizzes and ahead in some areas. She can count from 1-10 some days solo, other days with assistance. She knows her shapes and a lot of colors. She has fantastic fine and gross motor skills.  She runs, jumps, plays, and is an extremely active two year old. Switching her daycare was the best decision we ever made as watching her grow this past year is such a blessing. I’m constantly amazed by the social, educational, and emotional skills she’s learning.

Favorite activities?  Anything outside – bubbles, going to the park, playing on her new play structure outside, visiting Disney World, trains, and going on adventures with Mom and Dad.

How do we think she will adapt to big brother? To be determined. We don’t have any expectations for her. The next few months will be a big adjustment for all of us. She calls for baby brother and knows he’s in my tummy, but how she reacts when he gets home will be determined by her. I’m not trying to set any expectations so she can just be herself.

So the number two – you give me hope, and for that I am grateful. Praying for the next few months to go smoothly as we adjust and adapt and a safe healthy delivery and baby boy.

 

Posted in Hope, motherhood, Sch | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Motherhood, while full of awesome and incredible moments, is also full of times of overwhelm, loss, confusion, and moments where one simply feels like they’re just not cut out for this journey. – findingjoy.net

Posted in Bad Days | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Resolved.

We had an ultrasound almost four weeks ago now. I meant to update this sooner, but I’ve been busy catching up on life.  We weren’t expecting to get baby’s gender or any news on the SCH as last time they had to send it off to be read.  However, we were happily surprised and shocked that we found out both.

The SCH is gone. They couldn’t see it anymore and I was told not to expect any more bleeding. It does not appear to have damaged the placenta, but they are checking again this Wednesday at my anatomy scan. I will be at an increased risk for preterm labor, but so far so good. We’re praying, crossing our fingers, and so incredibly thankful that it’s gone. It could come back, but for now we will celebrate.

We were 15 weeks at the scan. We were told it’s too early for the gender. Then a few minutes later were asked if we wanted to know the gender. Apparently our kiddo kept flashing the ultrasound tech. She has about 12 photos showing that it’s a boy!  We were happily surprised and laughing about it. She had trouble getting all her measurements, but she could definitely tell the gender. Silly little dude.

We would have been more than happy with a boy or a girl. A boy is the more expensive option as we will need a lot of new clothing, but we’re thrilled to be blessed with one of each.

I’m off all my restrictions. I occasionally lift my toddler even though it’s technically a no-no. My doctors know and say they’d do the same thing. I’m being careful as my stamina from those few weeks of almost bed rest has definitely gone down a lot.

We also have been discussing if this will be it for us children wise or what. Our limit is three, and I feel with the miscarriage, the perfectly normal healthy pregnancy, and now this SCH pregnancy – it may be time to be done.  I’m not sure if I could do this anymore again. If you have an SCH, you are more likely to have another one.  However, we’re not making any decisions.  We’ve agreed to not decide until after childbirth and we settle into having two kids.  It’s going to be an adventure without any family here to help. However, I’m teamed up with the best husband. If anyone can do it, I know we can.

Posted in Hope, Sch | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

The bright side…

Still here.  Still pregnant. Baby is hanging on. My doctor’s are amazing and totally understand I need a peace of mind, so they are scheduling me for scans every two weeks to check on the growth of the SCH and the baby. We have so many ultrasound pictures of our little one and it moves during every single ultrasound.

The last high tech ultrasound I got showed it was still there. Hadn’t really grown or gotten smaller, but still there.  I’ve had a few days of bad cramping and some spotting, but I still believe baby is okay.  My morning sickness is disappearing. I’m in maternity shirts. Most of my pants still fit, but the shirts just fit easier over my stomach. I’m starting to show a tiny bit which is nice. I just can’t wait until I can feel kicks so I can know that baby is okay and not just rely on faith. We are slowly creeping along to viability (Currently somewhere around 14 weeks) which is my goal right now.

I’ve realized that there is one bright side to this and it’s very similar to my last post – it’s that our 18 month old appreciates her Daddy more.  She’s adjusting so well. When I’m the first one in her room in the morning, she starts calling for Dad and brings me toys to play with. She gives me a hug and then we play with toys with her standing in her crib until Daddy can come lift her out for me.

She really appreciates her Dad more.  She always loved him, but now she’s really enjoying time with him. She giggles and plays games with him and gives him hugs. That’s good as Daddy was feeling neglected for awhile. This time for them has bonded them closer together and for that I am grateful.

It also doesn’t help that I got a hug and a kiss (on my shoulder) good-bye this morning as she was off to daycare. She’s the sweetest girl and for that we are so lucky.

Posted in Hope, Sch | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

The less popular parent…

That would be me.  All kids – especially when they are little – have a favorite parent. Oddly enough it was Daddy until our LO was about 9 months. Over the last 9 months, it’s been me. Mama is the only one who can do most of the time. Mama is the one she wants to be with and I loved every single minute of it.

Since I was diagnosed with my SCH, I ended up with a ton of restrictions. This means I could no longer lift her or really do much of anything with her as I’m on minimal walking.  Daddy has since become the favorite again and it breaks my heart a bit as sometimes he offers her to me and she just gets angry and shakes her head no.  I’m very happy that Daddy has gained popularity, but while dealing with the emotions of worrying about this pregnancy I can’t help but worry like any parent adding a second child – am I ruining her life? Will I still get my time with her?

I love all my time and the love, snuggles, and just huge grins. I haven’t gotten a kiss in forever. I can’t get hugs anymore. She wants to play with Daddy as Daddy is fun. He can play with her, and lift, her and get giggles and have fun.

Mama has to tell her no. No she can’t lift her, no she can’t do that with her, no Mama can’t come play because Mama needs to rest.  Add pregnancy hormones to this and I can’t just help but feel sad. I know this isn’t forever. I know it will change again. However, what if it’s like this until after I give birth?

Don’t get me wrong. I do want the other baby who is still dancing away. I know my feelings are just part of a normal adjustment but it can’t help but make me feel that I’ve failed. I hope that her little brother or sister understands how much I love them, want them, and can’t wait to meet them in the summer.

In SCH news, as far as we know the blood clot is still hanging out. I had an emergency scan at the doctor’s office about 2.5 weeks ago I had a tiny clot a few days after that, but didn’t go in as it was less than anything else I had. We had an appointment last Wednesday and did a regular ultrasound and saw the baby dance and the heartbeat.  Baby is still growing fine.  My doctor’s office is fantastic and wants to monitor me and stay on top of it so I’m less worried and they can see what the blood clot is doing as there is a small chance for having further complications later on in the pregnancy. She tried to find it on her ultrasound machine, but didn’t really see anything.  I go back in two weeks for a more high-tech scan with the outside company that comes in and we’ll get to see baby and check on the size of the clot again.  I’m hopeful that the clot may be almost gone and there’s a possibility that I can lift up on my restrictions a tiny bit.

We did announce our pregnancy and did a separate announcement of our complications asking for prayers or any assistance anyone wants to give us.  It was great to be supported by so many friends. I’m a bit anxious that something may happen, but I’m trying to enjoy this pregnancy as I know all too well that you always worry any pregnancy after a miscarriage.

I hope anyone reading this had an amazing Christmas and good luck in the new year.

Posted in Bad Days, Sch | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment