Lack of sleep…

We are coming up on baby #2 being a year. He is still not sleeping through the night. We have been doing really good with only getting up once a night. That’s manageable. Except then he got sick. Snot just pours out of his little cute nose… As he gets up every two hours again.

 

Poor little man. He just cries hysterically at night as he wants to be feeling better. He wants to be asleep.

 

I hope this leaves soon as we could all use some sleep!

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Too much

So many moments lately are too much.  Both kids mainly want me and sometimes I’m entirely overwhelmed. Trying to keep both kids happy while not spoiling them, trying to keep what’s left of my marriage in track, and trying to keep our house running while working full time. It’s a lot.

Sometimes I wish I could run away. Other times I just know I’ve completely lost me. I’m a mother and a wife. I’m everything they need but I don’t know my likes or dislikes or anything anymore. Is that normal? Is that ok? I think it may have to be.

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Its ok to not be ok.

The funk continues. Last night as I was falling asleep I was thinking that I only have one life. Why am I wasting it being sad?

But then I realized, it’s ok to not be ok. I’d rather go through this and figure out if it’s depression or just a funk and figure it out from there. Yes, there’s only one life but it’s ok to not be ok. Maybe realizing that is the first step of healing.

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Finding joy in little moments…

I’m in the middle of a funk. Ever since we became a family of four, I’ve struggled between happiness, gratefulness, and wondering what the hell we’ve done and why I ever thought we could be parents.

We’ve adjusted to a family now. Big sister loves her baby brother, we’re handling having two kids fairly well. Big sister is mostly potty trained and we have lots of life changes happening but over all we are doing ok.

However, I’m still in a funk. We don’t have a big group of friends especially friends with kids. Life is so hectic and without family nearby we make it a priority to spend weekends and any moment we have as a family. We owe that to these kids. However, it doesn’t leave much time for me.

We’re in a temporary living space that makes it impossible to clean after the kids are asleep without waking them up. We will have baby #2 in our room until later this fall when we move so we still get up at night. I’ve become a coffee addict who feels extremely rested when I get six hours of sleep and that is rare.

I don’t know if any of this adds to it. I have so much to be thankful for but still in a funk. (My twitter is full of depressing tweets that scare me.) My marriage is not currently perfect, we’re fighting and he yells at the toddler too much. Her sass comes from him. I play referee between them pretty much all day. I juggle having two kids that both just want me. I try to spend what little solo time I get with my husband once or twice a month keeping him happy. I need this marriage to work as I am nothing without him or the kids.

Most days I just end up feeling like a failure.

I just keep praying I’ll get out of my funk. I’m so grateful and blessed I just need to get my attitude there. I don’t know why I’m still struggling but I often wonder why I ever thought I could do this.

But then there are moments like tonight where I put my phone down and just watched the baby breastfeed himself to sleep. I watch him play with my hair then his hair until he drifts off. I hear his breaths get deeper. He melts into me. This moment is perfect. This moment is joyful.

I know these moments will end before I know it (how can it already almost be a year?) and someday only be a memory but I’ll keep this moment of joy and cherish it for just a moment longer.

Then I have to go fight the toddler into bed, but just for a moment longer, I’m keeping my joy. Go away funk, there is so much to be grateful for.

 

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Remember this moment.

His little arms wrapped around me. The soft breathing of his chest. The way his chin rests so perfectly on my shoulder. How his head leans against mine. How his body snuggles up right next to me. Clean baby smell.

 

My guys world is getting bigger this week has he’s starting daycare. I’m heartbroken. I know it’s what we have to do. I know he’ll be ok. I’m just really going to miss these cuddles and snuggles whenever I want.

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Paid Leave…

As the end of my maternity leave nears, I’m becoming angry. Not at the adorable little guy I’ve gotten the opportunity to spend the last 16 weeks with, but at the country I live in.

I’ve taken 16 weeks of maternity leave. Only three of those were paid my full pay. The other six were a percentage based off how much overtime I worked in the weeks previous my leave.  The other seven weeks were unpaid.

I’m very grateful that we saved enough and that my husband makes enough that I was able to take some extra weeks before we dedicate about $500 a week on daycare for two kids.  I don’t have the luxury of not working. Even if I stayed at home and didn’t pay for daycare, we wouldn’t have enough to live due to the cost of living where we live. I have to work to make my insurance affordable and to pay for daycare with a bit extra for our other bills.

It is ridiculous that I am expected to go back to work. I did it with my daughter at 11 weeks, and I can’t even imagine now how I did it. We had a crappy daycare with her. With my guy, we have the BEST daycare I’ve ever seen. His sister has now been going there for over a year and we absolutely love it. They actually care and love each child. He will be taken care of and not ignored. He also gets to spend three weeks home with my husband before he starts daycare. However, it  breaks my heart that I’m going to miss so many things.

His first time walking, crawling, rolling over, certain words, etc could very well happen at daycare. I expect some of them to and that breaks my heart.  I really wish this country would pay for more time off for new parents. My poor husband only got five weeks total and he used his vacation for most of it. I know we are luckier than some, but something needs to change. It takes much longer than a few months to heal from child birth and pregnancy. It takes much longer to adjust emotionally and mentally.

Everyone isn’t as lucky as we are and that needs to change. Every parent deserves paid leave after having or adopting a child.  I really hope the good old USA realizes that sooner rather than later for other parents. It may be too late for me to participate, but I hope the future gets better for my children and others. Although, the country is pretty messed up in other ways too. That’s an easy way we can take to hopefully raise better, happier humans that can help solve the world’s problems.

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Struggles…

Time is flying with kiddo #2.  We’re in the process of lots of changes around our home and time is just flying. I’m struggling as I’m getting near the end of my maternity leave. I go back to work next week and I’m sad. I don’t really want to return. However, we have to in order to survive to live.  It’s just one of those facts of life.  I know I’ll adjust and get used to it, but right now I’m struggling.

Added to the fact that my husband and I only seem to communicate about the kids. I feel that happens. I feel that’s normal. I just feel… lost? I suppose it’s because I don’t have any mom friends nearby and I’ve basically been in the house forever with a baby. Combined with the fact that this could be my last maternity leave, I’m feeling all sorts of blue.

I know things will get better and I know that I am very lucky and very thankful for that.  It’s just adjusting. I’ll get there. My mind just has to catch up.

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