Good things come to those who wait…

We’re building a house. We signed the contract last March and we still don’t have drywall. It’s possibly one of the slowest builds ever in a state that you can build year round. The builder absolutely sucks at communication and I don’t even like driving out there to visit it anymore as it just depressed me. At this point, I don’t even want to live there anymore. I told my husband months ago I wanted to back out, but he talked me out of it.

I still want to back out. It feels like home, but this wait is painful. I’m dealing with an 18 month old who can hit us from his crib. Three cars, a dog, a snoring husband, and baby in a room with me on a tiny bed.

A three year old that I don’t even want to try to imagine the adjustment period we will go to once we move.

A list of things you have to do to prepare, but can’t due to storage and you have no clue when you’re actually moving.

We’ve been living in this space for almost a year. In this year, my marriage has crumbled, I’ve realized that my husband and I have very different parenting styles and they don’t click, I’ve battled periods of extreme sadness that have made me question what I’m doing here.

Good things come to those who wait. Whatever we decide, it better be fucking fantastic as I’m fighting and trying not to give up when it’s all I can think of.

Here’s to 2019. I pray we get a house this year again.

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Potty training…

In the midst of all my marital drama, I wanted to take a moment and share a random parenting blog as that’s what this had turned into after the miscarriage for the most part.

The other day, I realized we were potty trained. We hadn’t had an accident in months for my three year old. (Also the day after I realized this, she had the tiniest one but managed to make it to the bathroom.)

So my advice? Don’t stress it. She needed to be trained for daycare by the time she moved up in August. She asked to start wearing pull ups last year. We hadn’t really been pushing it but in April her daycare teachers told us she’s not having accidents at school. (She sees all the other kids doing it and wanted to be like them.) Once she started wearing underwear to school we had a few accidents here and there but she quickly stopped and at most we had an accident every few weeks.

At home was a different story. She fought us. Then she stopped wanting to wear swim diapers at swim lessons so she got a bit more motivated. Then we had to have discussions about how she has to tell us when she has an accident and we won’t get mad. She just can’t lie to us. I remember thinking she’s never going to get it at home. I remember taking her to the bathroom every two hours when we were out somewhere. Then one day I realized she was doing awesome at school and occasionally telling us. She loved the praise she got when she went.

We’re going to go on a Disney cruise next year and you have to be potty trained to swim in the pool so that may be motivation too.

I wish I wouldn’t have stressed about it. She will get it when she’s ready. Now she goes (mostly right before she’s about to have an accident) by herself without us prompting. We went on a road trip and she told as we were driving she needed to go. She told us in enough time to get to a gas station and she didn’t have an accident. We had talked before it would take a little bit to get to a potty, but she did it. I’m so proud of her.

Lately to get her to go, we mention that we may have an accident if we don’t go. The first time we told her she said “in your underwear?”. Three year olds love the idea of their parents having an accident. Every single time now she dashes in front of us to use the potty.

So future self in about a year with her brother, don’t stress. Figure out the daycare thing. The rest will come when he’s ready. You’ve got this.

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Splashing in puddles.

It was a rainy day here today. The oldest kept begging to go out and splash in puddles. We took turns taking her as we were trying to keep the little one inside.

Seeing the joy of a child in something so simple is magical. I love you like boots love splashing in puddles. Finding the joy in every day little moments.

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Breaking point.

I’m struggling and the lack of sleep isn’t helping. Lately little guy has been getting up four to five times a night most nights. They are normally stacked so you’re almost asleep and then he’s up again. Coffee has been my key to survival.

Things have changed this year. I used to be fairly close to my husband’s family then we had an awkward visit. Followed by less texting and talking and now we don’t talk. I feel really uncomfortable and keep wracking my brain to figure out if we offended them in some way. (Or if I did something.) My husband doesn’t want to discuss it with them. So we don’t. I’m just left feeling confused, sad, and lonely.

My husband is grumpy. He’s constantly yelling at the kids. I’m constantly reminding myself this is just a phase. I keep asking myself if I think things would be better if they were different.

We don’t have time to really talk anymore as we’re so busy with work and the kids. I don’t even know what we’d talk about if had the chance.

I just feel that I’m barely holding on. I’m trying to not lose my cool and scream. Sometimes this anxiety makes me feel like a bad mom. Then some days I have amazing days and all is fine.

 

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I need to do better…

Tonight as we were walking home from seeing Christmas lights, our oldest asked what kind of lights we had growing up. As conversations with kids often get off topic quickly, we ended up talking about how Daddy’s parents are divorced. She wanted to know who he lived with so we explained he had two house. So two sets of lights and that’s how she ends up with three sets of grandparents.

“I don’t ever want two houses. I want to be together.”

I need to do better. I know I can’t change him. I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I’ve been sad a lot lately. I’ve felt hurt or left out. Not that my feelings don’t matter, but hearing her say that makes me think I need to do better. I need to find a way to find the joy in not only the two of them but my entire family.

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The good moments…

I’m blessed to have kids that were planned two years apart. We knew going into it, it would be crazy.

There’s lots of crying.

There’s lots of fighting over the same toys.

There’s lots of sleepless nights.

But sometimes fairly often the magic happens.

They share.

They play together.

Big sister comforts little brother.

There are endless giggles that can’t stop.

There are water fights in the bath.

There are family hugs and dance parties.

And the really awesome feeling that deep down they really love each other.

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Dear husband…

Dear Husband,

We’re struggling. We used to talk more before we had kids. We used to have time for us. You used to care when I started to cry instead of just ignoring me or having a look on your face that you’ve given up.

We used to not fight. I know our oldest can be trying. We’re blessed to have such a strong willed child. I need you to stop yelling at her all the time. You say you want her to be a kid but then you try to treat her like an adult. You need to find a way to not yell at her constantly. It’s completely unattractive. The sweet moments you two have are precious but are few and far between. You blame her, but 90% of it is you. It breaks my heart to constantly have the fight with you.

I know you’re tired of me saying the same things. You’ve called me a bitch many years ago for nagging. I’m constantly in fear of you doing it again as I know I nag at times. Our children are picking up on your habits of yelling or just being on their tablets and ignoring us like you’re often on your phone.

I need you to try. I know I can’t change you. I need you to try to find a way to be in the moment nowm. Put down your phone. Be present.

You’ve started posting in Facebook groups for podcasts that I know nothing about. You’ve basically become a stranger. Some days it’s very hard to remember why we fell in love. Some days I think if we would ever divorce but I wouldn’t risk having less time with the kids.

So here I am.

You have asked me what I need.

I need you to stop and actually try to take some advice that I’ve given you. Instead of my constantly repeating.

I need to know you think of me occasionally. We’ve become roommates and I’ve started to hate your touch because I don’t think you actually care. I think you’re just going through the motions. Hiding on Facebook and in your phone. I need the random sweet compliments. I need to the thinking of you moments where I just knew you cared. I need you to be present.

I need the look on your face that you’re so hopeless you’ve give up to go away. I need you to stop saying you’re fine and talk to me like you used to. I know you’re not fight as that same look has been on my face.

I need more than silence. I often look at you and watch you while you’re on your phone with us. You are missing out on so much. I hope it’s worth it. I know I fail at that myself sometime, but I am trying to get better.

You used to reach for me. Now I feel like I’m an obligation. I feel used at times. I know they need me a lot but feeling valued as your partner stopped somewhere.

I’ve been trying to fight for us.

I’m tired of crying myself to sleep almost nightly. I’m tired of thinking your family hates me and you won’t stick up for me. I’m tired of you thinking things are ok as soon as I stop mentioning then. I’m just tired.

I know two littles is tougher than we thought. I know we’ve lost time for us.

They aren’t little long.

I just hope when we get to the other side, we can find the two people who fell in love somehow. I hope it’s not too late.

Love,

Your wife.

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