Wanted…

I’m currently lying in bed as my sick kiddo sleeps. I’m lying next to her as I promised her I would. I was sick last week and out of commission for a few days. My husband managed to keep s everyone alive. Flash forward to last night, I’m finally doing a bit better, she is now waking up every hour. My husband went to her room as I had the little one. He never thought to check her for a fever.

Fever this morning. Then asking us to turn everything quieter. I figured eat infection. Took her to the doctor, and now she is the second member of this family on antibiotics.

She asked to go to bed early but didn’t want me to leave as I was getting the little one to sleep. I told her to try to go to sleep and even if she was sleeping I’d come lie with her for a bit. So here I am. Being wanted.

 

I’m so blessed to be wanted by then.

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You are not alone.

One wonderful thing about current technology is the ability to find someone going through the same thing you are. Someone somewhere is going through a situation very similar to yours at this current moment. There are people miscarrying, having a stillborn baby, dealing with the death of a family member, a trantruming toddler, or anything really this second. Someone is out there dealing with something that you can relate to.

An old friend messaged me today to let me know that they are going through a similar situation as in their marriage. They just wanted to be there to support me. It made me happy. Not that she was also having issues, but just that there’s someone who gets it. Someone else you can relate to or vent to. Someone cares. I hope she finds happiness after she gets through her personal storm.

The beauty of the internet is that you can share your unique perspective that can help someone grow ou heal. You are able to help others even when you’re struggling by just being there.

You, person reading this, matter. You are not alone. Never ever forget that.

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My sweet baby…

We have the sweetest one year old. He’s a major stage five clubber to me lately, but the huge ass grin he gives me whenever he sees me and the constant hugging of the legs make it totally worth it.

We’ve debated having another. However, I don’t think it’s in the cards for us. We will make the final decision next year, but I know we can’t afford daycare costs. (Why next year? My miscarriage risk increases the year after.) Nor can we afford college funds for three.

I’ve been trying to live in the moment so much with him. When both kids are crying for me, I try to take them both. I scoop up every single snuggle and cuddle that I can. I make them giggle. I try to remember that sound and the feeling of them in my arms as the definitely won’t be little forever.

I am extremely blessed with the sweetest happiest little man. Other parts of life may suck at the moment but this is a really really good one.

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It isn’t working…

My marriage isn’t working. We’re stuck in the same loop of fights. We’ve started fighting in front of the kids. I try to talk and he cuts me off. I try to explain how I’m feeling and he disagrees. I then don’t want to listen to him so I cut him off. We’re both to blame, and I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of feeling like I’m giving 110% but I get 50% in return. I’m tired of him having secrets he posts online but then won’t tell me what he’s commenting on. I’m tired of doing 90% of the house work. I’m tired of being the one to remember everything.

But I have two amazing kids who only want me. I’m their favorite. I get extra snuggles and fun. I also get extra tantrums. I’m never giving them up. I could never not see them daily. So where does that leave me?

I’ve been reading lots of marriage and relationship books lately. They all say I can’t change him. I know I can only change me. We will have to see where that leads as I currently don’t know.

But I have two amazing kids. They are worth this.

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Sparkle…

Ever feel like life is just passing you by? I’ve been in a rut lately. I know it. I’ve been working on being more present.

We’re stuck in a transition period. Our new house has been delayed, we’re stuck in a way too small living space, we aren’t very solid in our marriage currently, we have a threenager, and a one year old that still gets up two times most nights. Some days I am just exhausted.

However, even in this transitional mess, I’m trying to find the sparkle. My threenager who has the best laugh but then runs up to her room and throws herself on the bed. Those laughs are the moments I live for. (Note to future self: a fun snack currently gets her out of her pout. Try it when she’s an actual teenager.)

She’s the best big sister. Ever night we have parades and dance parties around the kitchen island. She loves that her brother marches along with us now. She shares her dessert with him.

His entire face just lights up whenever he knows I’m about to pick him up. No matter what time it is, he’s a Mama’s boy at the moment. I constantly soak it in, take the snuggles as I can get them, as life won’t be like this forever.

We are all here. Enjoy being together. Find that sparkle even if your body aches it’s so tired. It’s totally worth it.

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Priorities…

As a parent you are faced with choices. What is most important? Your work? Your family? What comes number one? What do you sacrifice to find your balance?

I am lucky enough to be able to work a job that allows my family to be number one. Both my husband and myself have to work to afford to live, but I am very lucky that his job is a bit better that still allows flexibility for our family. My job is a less demanding one that allows me to be around for our family but with slightly less pay. Often, I’m wondering if I should focus on my career more for personal growth or if I should just be ok where I am. It’s a decision I think about a lot. Any promotion would mean more money but less family time. While it may just be temporary, currently it is not the right choice for me. I’m currently giving up any career growth to focus on my family.

It feels right. There are moments I get frustrated and know I’m worth more, but right now our family is my number one priority. Hopefully my kids appreciate it someday if I’m allowed more time away and then I’ll professionally develop myself more. Maybe that time will never come. Will I regret it? I don’t know, but I’ve got to believe that family and being blessed with an opportunity for all this time with them will always be considered the best choice.

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Sleep…

Sleep is something that controls you’mental health, your state of mind, and how your body does. Sleep deprivation can kill.

I was blessed with one amazing sleeper once she figured out night and day. I was also blessed with one who appeared to be an amazing sleeper early on but then started to take advantage.

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We are still room sharing with ito youngest. We will be sur to our current living situation for the end of the year. Some nights he gets up six times about every 1.5 hours. Lately, the majority of our nights have just been one wake up.

I’m praying and hoping that this continues as some days my heart used to geth from being so exhausted. That’s happening less and less now thankfully.

I keep telling myself to enjoy these snuggles as before I know it he’ll be grown and I wont be his favorite. Even without a lot of sleep, I’m very lucky.

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