9 days…

Nine days until our next appointment! I can’t believe it is that close. However, it feels like the time went fast and slow at the same time.

I am officially in the paranoid state. I made the mistake of googling this morning the odds of having two missed miscarriages. I wanted to know what are my odds of going to my next appointment and the exact same thing happening. I know that I have approximately a 5% chance to have two miscarriages in a row. However, what are my odds of the exact same thing happening again? So I googled and read horror stories of people miscarrying multiple times in a row and at 13 weeks or 16 weeks. Not a good way to help my paranoia. Somehow, I thought it would help.

I keep thinking about how I will handle Christmas and getting everything done if I miscarry again. I’m trying to get some stuff done this weekend so I’m not hopeless. However, a tiny part of my brain says “What if you don’t miscarry?” Then there’s nothing to worry about for the moment. I know that something horrible could still happen. However, I hope that after the next appointment I find some peace.

After my last appointment and my pap, they called and told me I have a yeast infection.  They told me if it isn’t bothering me that I don’t have to treat it. I got the medicine just so I have it on hand if I change my mind. However, when reading all the warnings what I was given says “Not safe for use in first trimester.” So there goes that. I hope I made the right decision, but I feel I have and I will ask at my next appointment if I should use what I was given or get something else.

I know most people don’t show at 10 weeks. However, I looked in the mirror last night and noticed a bump. I am by no means super skinny, but I’ve always been able to suck in my gut. Now when I suck in… it doesn’t move. It’s there. That gives me hope as I don’t remember having that last time. I don’t remember feeling this way. Some of my bigger pants are already a bit smaller, maybe I shrunk them, but maybe just maybe it is a good sign.

I bit my tongue while talking to my parents last night as I was told again that everything will work out as “They have been praying for me. God will take care of it.” I believe in God. However, I also believe there are plenty of things more important than my pregnancy. There are horrible illnesses, war, and fighting in so many areas. There are also plenty of wonderful women who have miscarried more times than me that deserve a baby so much more.

However, as much as I believe that. I also really want this baby. I want to be selfish. I want to meet it in June and hold it and raise it into a little human. I want to discover what it is all about. So I will be hopeful and paranoid. Praying for amazing news and a bit of peace as I know if I make it to twelve weeks my chances of having a healthy pregnancy are so good.

Little one in my tummy, do everything you can to get healthy and strong and smile pretty in a few weeks. ❤



About Finding Hope

Had a miscarriage in May 2014. Ended up having a D&C on Mother's Day 2014. Gave birth to an amazing little girl in June 2015. This blog helps deal with the grief of the first child and worries of motherhood and any future pregnancies.
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