Hanging on…

Baby is still here and as of our scan last week Wednesday – still dancing. Baby wiggled and moved the entire ultrasound.

Since my last post, I had another scare last Wednesday in the middle of the night. (Using the bathroom is now a terrifying experience – you constantly wonder if you’re bleeding.)  I woke up and was bleeding and then passing little clots.  I woke my husband up after about 45 minutes of me freaking out by myself and he stayed awake with me and got me some food and a drink for a bit. Two hours later, the bleeding had slowed down a lot and I was able to fall back asleep. I called my doctor’s office right when they opened and they were able to get me in for a scan.  Baby is fine. The blood clot doesn’t look much bigger, but they have to send it off to an expert to be sure. I’ll get those results at my next appointment.

Pregnancy with an Subchorionic Hematoma is interesting.  We’re coming up on the end of the first trimester – the normal time where people announce and we’re torn.  We partially want to announce so we can try and summon up some extra help from people that live nearby as we don’t have any family. However, if this ends in miscarriage (even though the odds are tiny), I don’t want to have to deal with the comments.  So we wait and see. We’ve had bad odds before.  If I listened to my gut, I believe that everything is going to be ok, that we will conquer this and survive it.  However, I’m terrified.

My 18 month old is starting to prefer Daddy over me as Daddy can do all the fun things. Mommy can just lie on the couch, cuddle, and watch TV. I’m trying not to let it effect my mood, but it’s a struggle. She’s always been a very active kiddo and I don’t blame her at all. I just hope she somehow understands that Mommy wishes she could do all the thing she finds fun.

So we’re taking it day by day. We may have an appointment this week, but I can cancel it if I’m not bleeding. If we do cancel, we go back next week for the end of our first trimester appointment. I spend my time resting, reading, and googling this thing.  (Here are two helpful sites if you want to know more: here and here.)

Thankfully I found a great Support Group on Facebook so I’m not going entirely insane and I know that I am very lucky with mine so far. We take it day by day and pray that this little one keeps on dancing.

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Threatened Miscarriage.

Hello, old friend.  Threatened miscarriage I’ve decided is one of the most awful things that you can be sent home from the emergency room being diagnosed with.

I’m currently 11 weeks pregnant. No one knows except our parents and a few close friends.  I’ve been spotting since we found out with a hometest back in October. We saw our little one and a strong heartbeat at 9 weeks.  The spotting can happen. The ultrasound looked normal.

The spotting increases and then yesterday a blood clot. A call to the doctor sent me to the er. 4 hours of blood work, urine tests, a pelvic (those are the worst in the er!) And an ultrasound where the tech would tell me nothing as my husband was at home with our kiddo as we have no one to watch her and I was shocked that the baby was alive. Measuring 11 weeks 3 days and a normal heartbeat. Except it has a friend in with it – a blood clot. It’s officially called a subchronic hematoma or sch. They come in all sizes and just show up randomly. They can grow. They either absorb into the lining, bleed out or sadly end up killing the baby.

As I was told my results as I sobbed hysterically. This is the best news I could hope for with this. Mine is small. From my obsessive googling, those have the best odds of the baby surviving.

I now have a ton of restrictions. I’m on pelvic rest. No lifting at all, no bending, no exercise, only minimal walking. Either sit or lie down. No breastfeeding.  No lifting or carrying my amazing kiddo. She was force weaned from our last breastfeeding session. The last 24 hours have been a huge adjustment for our little family with no one nearby to help my husband do it all. These are the times I wish we had a village.

I wish I had taken a photo of my last night breastfeeding my daughter. It’s petty as I’ll gladly do everything I can to save her sibling but my heart broke a bit as we get the tantrums of not being able to be held by mommy. The confused look when I tell her no more mama milk and the endless worry of her little brother or sister and if they are still alive.

All I can do is rest, stay hydrated, and wait. Threatened miscarriage. I pray that we win and not you.


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Mom Updates…

It’s been awhile since I visited and posted on this blog (or really any of my blogs).  My sweet girl is 13 and a half months old.  We’re slowly discussing when we want to try for baby number two while keeping in mind risks like miscarriage, Zika, costs, etc.  We’re trying to make ourselves the most prepared we can be, but we’re really just trying to enjoy life.

We’re in the middle of weaning for breastfeeding. We’re down to two feeds a day – one in the morning once she wakes up and one at night before bed.  She will rarely fall asleep feeding anymore at night, she feeds and then cuddles and plays, and then goes down into her crib wide awake sometimes and puts herself to sleep.  I’ll be saddened once our breastfeeding journey is over, but I do not miss pumping.  We just cut out our last daytime feed last week and we’re weaning slowly and on her schedule. I’ve been cutting one out about every three weeks, but my goal was to be down to two before we go on vacation in August and we’re there so I’ll probably take the last few weaning at her lead.

Miss L has been going to swim lessons.  For the last five weeks, she’s been going to swim lessons four days a week for ten minutes one on one with a teacher.  She’s learned to flip over onto her back in float.  I am impressed that at just over a year she knows how to do this and is a bit more prepared if she would end up accidentally in water. Living in Florida, we want to give her every advantage possible. Yes she cried for a bit, but I definitely think it’s a necessity for kids living in Florida. I’m thankful we’re able to afford them for her.

We also had 1 year and family photos with our maternity photographers who we have really enjoyed working with.  Here is a small sampling of her 1-year photos and her smash cake session. She’s just like Mom and Dad who enjoy cake more than frosting.

I am just so incredibly grateful to be her mom and thank God every day for this amazing opportunity and time together. I hope I’m here to see her children someday.

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Father’s day…

Tomorrow is my husband’s 2nd father’s day with an earthly child. Last year we were just getting used to life with this little miracle. This year it feels like we’ve always had her.

My husband has amazed me over the last year. He’s an amazing partner and father. I’m really lucky as not every guy would be so involved with their child. Little Miss L slept through the night for 10 hours straight for a week. Since we are now starting to wean, it was nice to cut out the nighttime feed. This week she’s been teething  (1st molar) and has been waking up crying at around 4 a.m. My amazing husband has gotten up every night and gotten her back to sleep so she doesn’t fight for food until we are more established at weaning. I stay and listen on the monitor and wait in solidarity until he crawls back into bed. He’s amazing!

Hope you have a great Father’s day hubby. Thank you for always being there.


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A year ago…

A year ago at this very moment, I thought I was tired.  I thought I knew what was about to happen, but I really had no clue. As a year ago I was getting ready for bed, crawling into bed and then I heard a “pop.” That pop was the start of the most wonderful journey that I’ve ever experienced.  Four hours later a few hours after midnight (after probably one of the shortest labors most people will ever hear about), I met one amazing little girl who has continued to light up my life and help me find my destiny ever since.

The past year has been challenging and life changing. You think you’re tired? Have a baby, work a full time job, live far away from family or most people who’d you consider asking for help, and just rely on your husband who also works a full time job often with opposite hours. Then I will believe you are tired.  Have any child for that matter, and you will know the definition of tired.

It’s also been wonderful. It’s amazing to think of myself as to where I was a year ago jumping into motherhood and where I am now. I’ve found my inner voice as being her mother. I speak up for what’s best for her. I fight for what she deserves. I find a way to give her everything I can and to keep her safe, healthy, happy, and loved. She is oh-so-very-much loved.


click photo for source

It’s been interesting. I started out breastfeeding as I knew I wanted to. My goal was six months. There were some nights early on when she wanted to eat ALL THE TIME that I was wondering if I could make it three months. There were nights when she just kept eating that I was nervous I wasn’t producing enough milk. Before we knew it, I had hit six months. We introduced solid foods and it was all easy enough from there. Yes, I dedicated all my breaks at work to pumping. I was lucky enough to have a bit of a freezer stash for the days that I didn’t quite pump enough.  I successfully am a full-time working mother who managed to exclusively breastfeed their child for an entire year.  I’m proud of that statement. (I would like to state that I don’t care if you breastfeeding or formula feed as long as your child is well fed and taken care of. Good for you mom, no matter what you did!)  Yes, the last few months got easier as I was able to transition to working at home and I can pump while I work. It’s a glorious thing!  Now, here I am a year breastfeeding in and I’m trying to figure out how to start weaning. In the past week, she’s started refusing a bottle and only wants fresh milk. We’ll transition into other liquids at daycare, but how does one wean? That’s my new dilemma, and it’s not something I ever thought of a year ago. It’s a wonderful place to be.


It’s been a year of discovery. I’ve been finding what’s important and myself. The past year as really made me see that I am meant to be her mother and I love being her mother.  Before I had her, I never got a feeling of “this is where I’m meant to be” as strongly as I do each and every day with her.


It’s been a year of thanks. After our first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, I was terrified. I didn’t know if I would ever get pregnant. My entire second pregnancy I was scared. I tried to enjoy it, but it didn’t feel real as what if something happened? She didn’t feel real until she entered the room and then life was magnificent.  Then, I started worrying about SIDs, if she’s safe at daycare, if she’s eating enough, and all other normal mom worries. I’m thankful I was able to have those worries as not every Mom gets a happy ending. So I’ve been thankful and gave thanks as I’ve prayed for this wonderful little girl who lights up my life and I can’t wait to see grow up. I’m grateful and thankful for each and every day. I’ve learned to put my phone down and enjoy the moment more. Enjoy watching this wonderful girl discover, grow, fall down, pick herself back up and try again.

I hope I am lucky enough to see her grandchildren someday as that’s a wonderful thought.  Happy Birthday Eve Sweet Darling Girl.  Here’s to a wonderful second year and many many more.  I won’t mind if you let me sleep past 2:12 a.m. tonight when you made your appearance and screamed for the next two hours as you didn’t know what happened or where you were.  However, if you want to relive those moments and get Mama cuddles, go ahead and wake me up.  I’d be happy to hold you.


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Almost a year.

I’m currently being held down by a sleeping LO. We’ve just started rocking her to sleep for her afternoon naps in a rocking chair we bought during our first pregnancy that was delivered right after our miscarriage. I’m thinking I’m going to have to get it moved up to her room as our breastfeeding journey is coming to an end soon. However, as I sit here and cuddle I’m reflective over the past year.

My life really started having meaning and going where I’m supposed to be once she was born. This is what I’m meant to do. I’ve never felt that sense of belonging since I’ve started gaining confidence as her mother.

Yes the past year has had struggles as we are raising her away from all family and we don’t have super close friends. We’ve only had 3 date nights in the past year. Even her birthday party this weekend has stress (one set of grandparents refusing to acknowledge it, a set delayed in travel, etc). However, we are overjoyed to enjoy her first birthday and improve our lives and make strides as parents over the next year.

My husband is working towards a job that would have him home more. I moved to work at home in the past year and I’m using the lack of commute to get our house more caught up and have our lives feel a bit more together.

There’s been fights between us. There’s been tears. However, there have been so many giggles,  laughter, heart warming joy, and prayers of thanks.

I can’t believe we’ve made it a year and can’t wait for many many more.

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Mama time.

My sweet girl is coming up on her first birthday. I thank God every day for this incredible gift and the fact that I’m her mother. She is the force that keeps me going. Her first birthday also means we’re clear to start trying for kid #2 if we want, but that’s a post for another day.

Over 11 months in and I’m finally starting to gain some confidence with this mom thing. I’m starting to find my mom voice and speak up against family and friends on what’s best for my girl. I’ve gotten better at figuring out what she wants even though she can’t say it. I’ve learned that I will fail but not to freak out as its part of life. (She fell and hit her head twice today – yikes. She’s ok and just needed some cuddles. This learning to walk thing is tough.)

I’ve been her current favorite since January. While it’s exhausting at times, I just can’t get over how much this girl loves me and wants to be with me. I wouldn’t change it as I’m just grateful for each and every day. My time is focused to her first and then my husband. I’m putting myself last and I know I still need to improve myself but for right now, just being the best mom I can be for her is enough.

Geez, how a year has almost flown by. Keep growing and being amazing LO. I love you and I’ll be right here always.

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